I have let fear overtake my life.
I am nervous about openly writing because what if someplace I wind up working for fires me for it? What if a future ambition is cut short for the same reason? What if I become famous for all the wrong reasons and have to abort my dreams?
I am afraid to walk from Point A to Point B out of necessity as I did when I was a teenager. What if I get stopped by a police officer and shot? What if someone careens out of control and I have a lapse of awareness and am maimed?
I stay where my friends and loved ones know I am so that I do not worry them by simply disappearing without connection to parts unknown.
I have fears, both simply silly and maliciously mighty, and they shape my actions. They pervade my thoughts. They touch ever tiny aspect of my life, and I am tired of it. I want to yell and scream. I want to let my anger flow into some fire. If I do not change the world, then I hope to at least reforge myself to deal with it better.
I am tired of feeling helpless like there is nothing I can do to better my circumstance.
I am done with seeing my friends suffer and go without.
I am nearly mortified of what I think the world will become in a generation or two. I know how I adapted and I do not want the children I care for to have to do the same.
I normally speak circles around my own emotions. But in this instance I will try something different.
Continuing with my other writing this month, there is a lot of fear that came about due to our present President-Elect Donald Trump. I do not begrudge people emotions, or thoughts. They are notoriously difficult to control. Additionally, they are part of being human. No matter what is felt, it is important what one does.
I do not agree very basically with Donald Trump at all. He did not mesh well with me. I am afraid of what is to come for my friends who are still “on the fringes” of society and culture. I am afraid of losing ground that was hard fought in the area of Civil Rights most of all. Per my history I am just as likely to be removed from the economic engine as a part of it. I have gotten by with the help and goodwill of my friends and family. And that is where I will put my faith and stock in how the world will look tomorrow.
I applaud those who felt moved to wear safety pins to identify themselves as someone people who felt worried could turn to. Small actions can have dynamic results. “People should not fear their governments. Governments should fear their people,” is a line I remember from the V for Vendetta movie. No government buildings need or should get blown up. But we as people have to stand together. Without political structures, without constructs of race and creed, we are humans. Each one of us. And what is… fundamental and elemental to our beings is not difficult to discern.
In this world, education.
In my society, a means to autonomy.
A place to enrich the mind, to learn and grow.
I place Fear before Courage because it is my thought that you cannot be Courageous unless you are afraid. If, you are like me and something in this age frightens you, stand with me in bringing overwhelming good to the world wherever you are. I am figuring out what I can do for people. How to use my voice, how to apply my skills, how to adapt to this age that no one around me saw coming.
Also, there is one difficult thing we have to do: Live. I do not merely mean remain alive. Watching television or streaming sites. Going to and from work keeping your head down. I mean taking whatever steps you need to work forward. If we silently relegate ourselves to shadows then all the world building that takes place will be without us. So we can’t run, we can’t hide. We have to hold our ground. It is my hope that the path I walk will not have to be trod again by my descendants.
I am wrote all this up as a banner for myself. And if no one rallies behind me I stand proud. And if others do, then I will help whomever this may be find their own path as I am finding mine.